Dramatis Personae
by Evil's Incarnation
Summary: AU: Ever wonder what would happen to all that unresolved sexual tension within the cast of Naruto if they got dumped into a high school? Click and find out. Primarily SasuNaru, w/ various other crack pairings.


**Dramatis Personae**

_It's all a matter of perspective._

By: Evils Incarnation

* * *

**Act 1**

**Pilot**

_January 23, Thursday_

_Seventh period – Calculus_

"Nnh… No more… "

A nest of messy yellow spikes was the only visible part of the hyperactive blond as he lay sprawled in an ungainly heap across his desk, a puddle of drool slowly forming beneath his half-open mouth. A large, foolish grin split his sleeping face, bearing an expression of insurmountable happiness as he lost all sense of time and place in his dreams. The only thing that occupied his world now, as far as Naruto was concerned, was ramen.

"I can't eat any more… I'm so stuffed… Nnh… Well, if you insist…"

_CRUNCH._

… "AUUUUGH!"

Naruto shot out of his seat with all the abruptness and explosiveness of a launching jet rocket, hands scrabbling frantically at his mouth. Two halves of a fountain pen fell from Naruto's mouth, along with a considerable amount of dark blue ink that dribbled down his chin and stained his school shirt. Having mistaken it for ramen during his dream, Naruto unwittingly chewed right through the pen… and ended up with a mouthful of bitter ink as a result.

"Ugh! Wha ith thith? Worth wamen I ever tathted!" Naruto continued on his tirade while attempting to wipe away the remaining ink with the sleeve of his school jacket.

It took several minutes for his muddled mind to register the unnatural silence in the room. Pausing in his ministrations, Naruto finally looked up and took in his surroundings for the first time. Large blue eyes blinked once before the realization slowly dawned on him with a growing sense of dread. The rescue of his taste buds momentarily forgotten, Naruto stood frozen in place, incomprehension and disbelief vying for purchase amid the chaotic confines of his suddenly scattered thoughts. It was in this very position that he remained, jacket sleeve still glued to his mouth, dumbfounded horror etched plainly across his features – a ridiculous picture of utter bewilderment.

"Mr. Uzumaki Naruto," said his calculus teacher from the front of the classroom, where she had been in the process of writing out a long and undoubtedly complicated problem composed solely of strange, squiggly signs on the chalkboard. Naruto gulped audibly at the biting, unconcealed coldness of his teacher's tone. "You will come see me in my office after school, where we shall discuss your unseemly behavior during class, and your even more unseemly grades."

A wave of quiet giggles and snickers rippled throughout the room, the students delighting in such a display of hilarity that served to alleviate the usual monotony of the most notoriously boring class on campus. Naruto felt a blush creep up his neck and warm his cheeks, his ears turning a vivid crimson. He stole a glance toward Sakura out of the corner of his eye, and felt his heart sink at the frown of disapproval on her face. After all, she was the only reason he had begged his counselor last semester for hours everyday three weeks straight to let him take this course. Besides, it wasn't his fault that he couldn't be a natural-born genius at math, or anything else for that matter.

"If you would kindly take your seat now. I think you've caused enough disruption for one lesson," continued his teacher, impatience hardening her voice.

The blond sighed inwardly, overwhelmed with a sudden wave of disappointment. It seemed like no matter what he did, nothing ever went his way. Pouting at the injustice of the whole situation, Naruto obediently sat down, the entire time oblivious to the pair of coal black eyes that watched his every move.

* * *

_Hmph. Cute._

The faintest flicker of a grin pulled at the corner of Sasuke's lips as he watched the comic scene unfold before him with barely contained amusement. Of course, at the center of the entire mess was none other than the adorably idiotic Naruto.

Wait… Did he just call Naruto _adorable_? And cute?

Gods above, this unhealthy fascination was turning him into a hopeless sap! No doubt he was behaving just like all those crazed, hormonal fangirls that fawned over him like a bunch of mindless drones whenever he happened to pass them in the hallways.

This thing has to end today, Uchiha Sasuke. After school you'll go directly up to Naruto and… what? Force him up against the nearest wall and kiss the living daylights out of him? NO! Stupid! That'll just ruin everything!

You'll march up to him like you usually do, maybe make him feel a little bit intimidated, and then say in a firm voice, "It's over." Just like that, quick and to the point. The black-haired prodigy nodded contentedly to himself and propped his chin up against laced fingers, trying in vain to recompose his face into the usual expression of bored indifference. He purposefully ignored the persistent, nagging little voice in the back of his head that reminded him of the countless other times he'd made this very same resolution… and failed miserably to follow through with it.

Figures the dobe would be dreaming about ramen… Naruto eating ramen… Why did that image suddenly seem so appealing..?

"ARGH!" Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at his forehead, willing the sudden onslaught of lewd mental images involving Naruto in various seductive poses slurping noodles to go away.

"Mr. Uchiha?" The concerned voice of Kurenai-sensei brought Sasuke back to the present with an unpleasant lurch. "Is something the matter?"

"Eh… yes. I seem to have a stomachache. Excuse me," replied Sasuke tersely as he pushed out of his seat and all but sprinted for the classroom door.

Once safely outside, he leaned against the closed door with a quiet sigh, relieved to have put some distance between himself and the very bane of his existence. How had things escalated to such a degree where it became painful to just be in the same room with Naruto? And the worst part of it all was that he didn't even notice it happening. That is, until now.

_Get a grip_, Sasuke mentally chided himself, _at least before you lose it completely_.

The younger Uchiha squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the onset of a migraine. To think that he, Sasuke Uchiha – the famous, talented, and beloved prodigy of the entire town – had fallen hopelessly for the loud-mouthed, idiotic class clown. What would people think if they ever found out?

_Well that's just the problem now, isn't it? They can't find out. No matter what_, piped up the lone voice of reason lurking in the back of Sasuke's mind. Of course, it spoke less and less frequently now as his infatuation for the half-wit grew with each passing day. Another sigh, this one of frustration, passed Sasuke's lips. It suddenly occurred to him that sighing has become a regular habit recently. _That's right. No one can ever know. This is a secret that I'm taking with me to the grave_.

With that, Sasuke began the long trek down the hallway to the boy's bathroom, where for the next fifteen minutes he remained locked in a tiny stall, shamelessly moaning out Naruto's name as he brought himself to a much-needed release.

Famous last words.

* * *

Sakura felt her left eyelid go into a fit of spastic twitching at the sight of Naruto's noisy outburst. Just what was that idiot thinking, pulling such an outrageous stunt in the middle of class? Especially one day before their first major exam of the semester, which he would undoubtedly bomb with flying colors.

Shaking her head in exasperation, the pink-haired girl turned back to her notes, and blinked in surprise at a neatly folded note that had suddenly appeared on her desk. She could have sworn she'd turned away for only a split second. Curiosity winning over her model student instincts, she carefully unfolded the note beneath her desk without making a sound.

"_Want to study at my place after school?_

_~ Neji"_

A smile spread across her face as she immediately recognized the thin, spidery script without even reading the signature at the bottom. It was just like Neji to be perfect in every aspect of his life, even in dating. While they'd only become an official couple less than a month ago, Neji was already proving to be everything Sakura could have hoped for and more. Sure it came as a shock when the normally proud and stoic Hyuuga, reduced to a blushing, nervous wreck, walked up to her after school one day and confessed his feelings in a single breath. (It sounded like he'd know the speech backwards by heart.) But who was she to refuse such a tempting offer? Neji was attractive, intelligent, came from a respectable family, and was renowned as one of the reigning idols of the school, second only to Sasuke. In many ways he reminded her of Sasuke (her first love, which never did quite go away completely) but the Hyuuga was infinitely more considerate than that cold-hearted bastard.

_That's right! The nerve of that arrogant jerk! To think, a flat-out refusal wasn't bad enough, especially after all that effort she'd put into her love letter. He actually had to go so far as to insult her by calling her "annoying"! _The old fury rose, unbidden, from the bottom of her chest like lava from a long dormant volcano. Sasuke Uchiha… A hateful name that always left a bad aftertaste in her mouth. She'd sworn never to forgive him for humiliating her in such a spiteful way, but of course, as with all things when Naruto got involved…

That promise was blown straight to hell in a hand basket.

The blond just had to go and make everything complicated by becoming best friends with that insufferable jerk. And with Sakura being his oldest childhood friend, he just had to go and insist that they all get along. She hardly bothered to keep track of the countless times when he dragged both her and Sasuke off on his random weekend excursions. At first, Sakura was furious and refused to talk to either of them. But after a while, she actually became used to their company and grudgingly began acknowledging Sasuke's presence. Soon enough, she even came to enjoy being around the two guys – despite Naruto's endless ramblings and Sasuke's infuriating apathy. They went everywhere together, up until Sakura began going out with Neji. Naruto even made up a corny name for their threesome – Team 7 or something, most likely from one of those martial arts movies he's so obsessed with.

No matter how much rage, disappointment, or sadness clouded her heart, Naruto always somehow made everything better with his energetic cheer and hopelessly optimistic outlook on life. Despite his immaturity, Sakura had to admit that Naruto was a force to be reckoned with.

And yet, why had she never reciprocated any of Naruto's numerous and persistent love confessions?

She stole a glance out of the corner of her eye at said blond, who was currently attempting to scrub off the remaining ink stains from his face with a pencil eraser. _Right… That's why. I can't believe that thought even crossed my mind. Must be the stress finally getting to me…_ thought Sakura grimly.

She turned around halfway in her seat to look at Neji, and, having caught his eye, flashed him a grin and a quick thumbs-up. Then she promptly returned to her diligent note-taking, determined to set the opposite example to Naruto's delinquent behavior.

Five seconds later, Sakura's pink head shot up once again at the sound of another cry, though this one came from the most unexpected source. Sasuke had just leapt out of his seat and muttered something about a stomachache before tearing from the room like a bat out of hell.

She saw Kurenai-sensei blink several times before hastily resuming the lesson, a flabbergasted expression on her face.

* * *

A quiet, muffled yawn sounded from the back corner of the room, where Shikamaru was desperately trying to keep himself awake by all means possible. He'd tried every method at his disposal – pinching himself until dark purple bruises spotted his arms, watching the soccer game play out beneath the window, finishing all his homework – but nothing seemed to work. So there he was, not even fifteen minutes into the hour-long class, bored out of his mind and slowly nodding off to the sound of the sensei's monotonous voice.

_What a drag…_ Math was his best subject, and precisely because of that, it was also his least favorite class.

His chest felt heavy, not unlike that time when Chouji accidentally sat on him. Massaging his diaphragm, Shikamaru opened his mouth to take a deep breath and…

Let out a huge yawn.

Uh-oh. An ominous silence descended upon the room as Kurenai-sensei paused in her lecture, back still turned to the class even though the rhythmic tapping of chalk against blackboard had stopped as well. _Shiiiiiit…_ thought Shikamaru. She'd already yelled at him once for falling asleep in class last week. This could be troublesome.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Naruto shot out of his seat like a torpedo and began to splutter incoherently through a mouthful of ink. Kurenai-sensei finally turned around to face the class, and Shikamaru suppressed a shudder at the sight of her murderous face. Normally she was a patient, mild-tempered woman, but it seemed as though even she had had just about enough. He didn't blame her though, what with her being pregnant and hormone levels up the wazoo.

The lazy genius breathed a silent sigh of relief. _Thanks, Uzumaki. You just saved me from another afternoon of cleaning duty_. Today must be his lucky—

… Wait, what the— Was he hallucinating?

Did he just— Was that…

Uchiha actually cracking a _smile_?

Shikamaru blinked rapidly. He rubbed his eyes. And rubbed them again. Then he blinked several more times just for good measure, almost certain that it was just a trick of the light.

From where he sat he had the perfect angle with which to see Sasuke's face, the corner of his lips that were usually twisted into a scowl now turned upward like a crescent moon.

He carefully followed the Uchiha's dreamy gaze, imagining an arrow that flew straight through the air to pierce the lucky girl's heart and—

Oh.

Oh. My. GAWD.

Shikamaru's jaw fell open. The bottom of his chin hit his desk with a dull _thunk_.

For the first time in living memory, his mind suddenly became completely and utterly blank. And it would continue to remain so for the rest of the class period, as the budding genius of Konoha High sat rooted to his seat, knowing only what he saw, his face frozen in an open-mouthed, thunderstruck expression—the expression of a man whose world and everything he believed in had slipped out from underneath him.

And for all Shikamaru cared, it had.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the far right side of the room, Chouji was trying to scarf down his fifth bento of the day as quietly as he could, hoping that the fur from Kiba's coat in front of him would be enough to shield him from sensei's view. He only surfaced once to glance around upon detecting a subtle disturbance in the ambience of the room. He did not notice Naruto's explosive outburst, nor the one that followed almost immediately from a most unexpected source. He only noticed that something had shifted in the cosmos, some trivial and minuscule matter, yet it was enough for his keen sense of smell to catch a whiff of the storm to come.


End file.
